Normally I would do a Movie Monday post today, but after slouching in bed for a few hours avoiding writing I decided something else needed some attention.
I’m going to be honest with you, I am having a really hard time keeping this blog up. Although I believe in what I’m writing, and I understand that writing on a frequent basis can help me grow as a writer, I’m still not sure if that’s what I want. The concept of someday writing for my livelihood seems almost impossible and downright silly, so why do I bother now?
Originally I began this blog hoping to at least speak a little truth into the world, and I didn’t want it to just be about me. Now I know that I can’t expect hoards of followers or swarms of comment replies after only a few months of blogging, and part of me feels like that’s not even what I’m looking for. But I think that’s what the problem is – I don’t know what I want out of this.
It reminds me of the story Alice in Wonderland. Now a lot of people like this movie, or the book, simply because it is weird. I admit that my initial attraction to it was that it was a Disney movie different from the rest; there is not a search for happily ever after or a Prince Charming, in fact it barely has a happy ending — it simply ends waking up from a dream and coming back into the same reality. But what really draws me to this story is the search for something beyond ourselves, chasing curiosity only to find ourselves once we are lost.
Right now with this blog, I feel like I am chasing mere curiosity. Running after a rabbit who is busy running towards something else, and I keep getting stopped along the way by my own imagination forcing me to question what I’m doing here and where I’m going.
I can’t help but dislike the part of blogging that feels like I’m constantly spouting out my own opinions and thoughts, being one of those people who talks too much and listens little. Words are powerful, but they rust without action or reaction. Thus my rhymes rattle off like precocious little Alice, but with no one giving me answers in a return I have few other paths to take.
I do like writing, but it feels very selfish to keep a blog for my own purposes or write when maybe ten people are reading it. Is this just a childish dream? Problem is I’m down the rabbit hole so deep right now that I can’t imagine turning back, and giving up would feel like losing myself deeper in the woods.
A Boat, beneath a sunny sky,Lingering onward dreamilyIn an evening of July–Children three that nestle near,Eager eye and willing ear,Pleased a simple tale to hear–Long has paled that sunny sky:Echos fade and memories die:Autumn frost have slain July.Still she haunts me, phantomwise,Alice moving under skiesNever seen by waking eyes.Children yet, the tale to hear,Eager eye and willing ear,Lovingly shall nestle near.In a Wonderland they lie,Dreaming as the days go by,Dreaming as the summers die.Ever drifting down the stream–Lingering in the golden gleam–Life, what is it but a dream?
– Lewis Carrol, poem from
“Through the Looking Glass”