Let’s Talk About Sex

Less than a year ago I started diving into some burning questions I had about what purity really means, especially as a college student. I have spent hours pouring over blogs, books, and articles looking for a perspective that addressed all the frustration I was feeling. When I couldn’t find that perspective, I realized that the frustration came from a sense of being left behind. Why wasn’t anyone speaking to the college students, those of us who are facing one of the most challenging sexual periods of our lives? There were things covering purity in high school, in marriage, or being celibate and single. Some articles tried to address the issue of college relationships, but they were all written by older campus pastors or professors who have since been married. Their point of view was, of course older and wiser in most ways, yet it also left out the genuine struggle of being stuck in this period of waiting. After all they were past waiting, but I am looking at several more years of virginity and patient frustrations.

So I am going to start talking about it. This is a blog about how we define things and how God defines things. I want to challenge how we define sex, love, purity, and relationships to find out how God defines it. This means I am going to head for the boundary lines; the first one being the line between the Christians who simply say sex before marriage is bad and the other people who don’t believe that’s true.

Go ahead and give me your reasons. I am standing with one leg on each side, ready to hear everything you’ve got. Don’t try to convince me to come to your side though, agendas don’t build friendships and a tug of war means I might lose an arm. I want to know because I want to listen to you first. I know what I think, and I won’t change my mind, but I still care about what you have to say. This is a place for discussion, so let’s hear it.

Do you think sex before marriage is wrong? Why or why not?

What’s your opinion/definition of sex in general, or of love?

5 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex

  1. The best explanation I’ve ever read regarding sex outside of marriage:

    Morality raises in a good many people’s minds: something that interferes, something that stops you having a good time. In reality, moral rules are directions for running the human machine. Every moral rule is there to prevent a breakdown, or a strain, or a friction, in the running of that machine. That is why these rules at first seem to be constantly interfering with our natural inclinations. When you are being taught how to use any machine, the instructor keeps saying, “No, don’t do it like that,” because of course, there are all sorts of things that look right and seen to you a natural way of treating the machine, but do not really work.

    — C.S. Lewis, from Mere Christianity

    When we see countercultural “expectations” in scripture, such as to flee from sexual immorality, our instinct may be the same: to see God as one that doesn’t understand our desires, or worse yet, to make Him out to be something else that is accepting of the cultural opinion.

    All this is missing the point. If we truly believe that we were created by God, then our adherence to scripture should be less a checklist of “dos and don’ts” and more an acceptance that God has His best for us in mind. Even more than the ownership and protection we may feel over our own invention, God molds us and loves us to the extent that He desires personal communion with His creation. It would be irresponsible for God to give us these incredible facilities (sex being one of the most fantastic of these) without offering how they were designed to be used. It’d be like being told to enjoy an amazing roller coaster with 360 degree loops, and never being introduced to the shoulder harnesses designed to keep you from falling out of the seat. “The ride is amazing!… Oh, almost forgot: this’ll keep you from death.” :)

    Point is, God only commands us to keep sex between a husband and a wife because He designed it that way, and He wants it to be good. God made man and woman to be sexual beings, even before the fall, so He has fully intended from the beginning for us to enjoy it within its initial design. It’s not that we can’t discover other uses for our sexuality, but they inevitably will be flawed and lead to breakdowns that were never intended.

    I think considering sex in this way also helps us define it more clearly. If we define sex as “intercourse” or “penetration,” we cheapen the beauty of the intimate moment and everything else involved, both physically and emotionally. The reason that Christ equated lust in a man’s heart as adultery (Matt. 5:27-28) is because God is more interested in the motivation behind our physical purity, and while I intend to maintain my virginity until marriage, there are many other actions of a sexual nature that would be equally detrimental to the way He intends me to enjoy my wife (should He choose to bless me in that way).

    I know this seems like a grey issue to many, but if we’re asking what is allowed, then we’re asking the wrong question. When we seek God and ask Him to show us what is honoring, sex becomes a lot more black and white. I for one am anxiously awaiting the designed use of my sexuality, but not enough to metaphorically use a picture frame as a necklace.

  2. Evening, Kellie.


    Well, to be quite frank, what I think is hardly important. On a subject as personal as this, one wouldn’t look to the experiences or values of others for validation; rather, this is one that requires insight and internalized reflection.

    But you inquired, so I shall oblige with an answer.

    From my perspective, sex before marriage isn’t wrong. Nor is it right. It simply is. Sexual intercourse is simply an action, and like any other action, it’s the intent that gives it meaning.

    So. If sex, to you, is a purely physical occurrence and you do not ascribe any emotional aspects to it whatsoever, than perhaps noncommittal midnight trysts are your preference, comparable to any other form of entertainment- and deep, worthwhile relationships only exist on the psychological and emotional level. Alternatively, one may find physical displays of affection- even things as ‘trivial’ as hugs or touching hands- as incredibly emotional, and prefer to enact such only with those they care most about. Those are two extremes, of course, within which most will fall. But you see the point.

    Now, marriage itself. Let us say that two individuals love each other very much. Purely monogamous. Plan to have children, live together. Grew up together, known each other for twenty years. If these two people have consensual, and loving intercourse- pure in every sense- and plan on remaining strictly loyal to each other for the rest of their lives, is that necessarily sinful? Does this relationship truly require the arbitrary approval of an outside organization or state that has no reason to control said relationship?

    If one believes that the only possible way to speak with God or appreciate God is via the church’s conduit, and that by proxy morality can only be derived from God, I suppose that would seem like that’s a proper way to do things. But to me? Unusual indeed.

    Of course, this is looking at things from an Americanized perspective. But ultimately, the American mystification of sex is detrimental. As the media glorifies it as a means to transcend into a higher plane of existence, authority figures condemn and refuse to acknowledge it at all- despite that, well, unless you were bred in a lab, your parents had sex. As did your grandparents. And every other ancestor. A process that is fundamental to existence, yet it is suspended by a surreal case of cognitive dissonance. All that does is raise teen pregnancy rates, further disperse sexually transmitted pathogens, and- as we can see here- lead to a subgeneration of frustrated young adults.

    So, there you are. Hope that’s… useful.

    1. Yes that is very useful! You shared a lot of great thoughts, and you are completely right that this is much more an individual decision that people have to think about for themselves. Your point about how intent determines the meaning is very interesting too – it’s good to remember that this can all be very relative. Also, it’s true that American media makes sex a much bigger deal than it is, at least the way they present it. However I do think there are parts of it that are a big deal, but we don’t talk about those parts as often so it is a double edged sword in many ways.

      Thanks for sharing!

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